How to improve self-worth; the importance of keeping the promises you make to yourself.
One of the most common reasons why people seek out therapy is because they struggle with self-worth. Self worth can be defined as the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others. Another way to think about this is- people struggle with their “self-relationship”; how they see themselves and what negative core beliefs they harbor about their capabilities.
Low self-worth isn’t always obvious in people. It’s often masked by a sense of bravado sometimes bordering on grandiose narcissism. Other times it appears as extreme people pleasing under the guise of helpfulness. However, the truth about how people feel toward themselves is always revealed in their language. It sounds something like “I’m a failure,” or “I don’t deserve a promotion,” or “I’ll never find a good partner.”
People often have an idealized version of themselves that they imagine in their head. They have the vision but it is not yet grounded in action. This version of themselves wakes up at 6am for a run, has already meal prepped the night before, and takes the donation bag of clothes to the Good Will within the same week of putting it in their trunk. When people have this idealized version of themselves and the reality of who they are is vastly different, they will feel about as good as expired milk. When who we want to be is relatively close to who we actually are, we tend to feel better about ourselves. I’ve always hated this quote however in this situation I find it befitting; “someone once told me the definition of hell: the last day you have on Earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.”
Low self-worth is not something we can think our way out of, it’s a problem that requires action and behavioral changes. If we want to feel better about ourselves we cannot surrender to inertia and hope that one day things will improve; we have to come up with a tangible plan that includes realistic goals. A good way to start to tackle this is to really ask yourself- what’s the version of myself I desire to be, and how close am I to that right now? What kinds of things would this version of myself be doing differently, and what would my typical day look like? What habits and behaviors will I need to give up in order to step into this fully?
This is why keeping our word to ourselves is so important. There’s an unhelpful cycle people get caught in when trying to work on this. People start with a real desire to change and feel better about themselves. They review who they want to be and decide they are going to get in the best shape of their lives and be the person who works out 5x a week. Currently, they have no exercise regimen and also no knowledge or skills of how to do this. They also have no help or accountability in this process. They have set a very unrealistic goal for themselves that will likely end in frustration and failure. What typically happens is people start off strong, they make this huge promise to themselves and go full force. They soon find that this goal is unattainable and they get overwhelmed by the commitment. They quickly lose momentum and start to feel bad about themselves, eventually landing in a spiral of shame and self-deprecation. This cycle irons into the brain feelings and beliefs of inadequacy and perpetuates the problem of low self-worth.
If we want to feel better about ourselves and develop a robust sense of self-worth we have to set realistic goals. It also helps when we make those goals measurable and objective. We have to make promises to ourselves that we can actually keep. Self-worth is a structural foundation that is built slowly by laying one brick at at time. If you have no meditation practice and you want to be the type of person who meditates, don’t start by promising yourself you will meditate for 30 minutes every day starting tomorrow. Start with 30 seconds 2 times a week. Seriously.
When we can keep our word to ourselves we start to feel better. We start to challenge those negative core beliefs with evidence that proves them wrong. How can I be a failure when I’ve done exactly what I said I was going to do today? Keeping our word to ourselves creates an invaluable sense of self-trust. It’s the quickest and surest way to start tackling this problem.
If you’re struggling with how you feel about yourself, I encourage you to try this approach. Use your imagination to visualize who and how you want to be. Get clear on what needs to change; what habits do you need to acquire and which ones do you need to shed? Make a plan that includes small, measurable, and realistic goals. Give yourself a timeline. For added measure, ask someone in your life to help keep you accountable by asking about your progress. Self-worth is built not bought. It’s not something anyone else can give you, it’s an inside job. Start small and trust the process.
